Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Ragnar Relay That Wasn't

I Bailed.

So I was so excited leading up to Ragnar. I was excited to meet new friends and do something totally out of the ordinary.

I've become such an introvert if you don't already know. I don't hang out with new people (or people in general) and I would never do something like this.

But the opportunity came up and I took it. I grabbed the bull by its horns and decided to go for it.

Along the way I meet S. We've run a few times and I enjoy her company. I met some other truly amazing women and I am sad that I won't get to know them better.

I was so excited to meet women who share my love of running and do something out of the ordinary.

And then my ITB decided to flare up. And I knew that I was pushing myself way too much and not taking the right measures to keep the injury at bay.

You know how it is. There aren't enough hours in the day to barely get the run in let alone do all the proper stretching, hydrating, strength training, etc. So that all falls by the wayside.

On Wednesday morning my ITB felt like shit. It pulled when I was walking to work and I have not tried to run as not to make it worse. I've done a few strides and it definitely hurts post run.

But I thought that I could push through it. I bought KT tape (which i have never used before) to try to tough it out.

That's because I'm not a quitter (at least not until tonight) and I push through.

For example, I hated track and cross country in high school. Yet, I did it for all four years. I hated band and stuck that out. Same with the AP courses. I stuck out a major in college that I wasn't fond of and so forth and so on.

But tonight, I could not. I felt so sick in the van. I'm not sure if I'm not used to bumper to bumper traffic anymore after experiencing a painless commute. I could not hold down the cookie I tried to eat and I felt like crap.

At the restaurant the stress and anxiety made it even worse and I could not hold food down and I almost vomited a few times.

Maybe it was because I was stressing out about my ITB injury. Or maybe deep down I was too scared to go of my comfort zone and put myself in a new situation with people I had not met before.

For me, I worry about how I'm conducting myself and more importantly, how I am perceived by others. I worry that no one likes me, etc. All this is probably why I have become a loner - sticking to who and what I know - never veering out of my comfort zone for free of rejection I suppose.

Honestly, it is the injury that did me in and not my social anxiety. I'm sure I would have gotten along with everyone just fine. Everyone seemed so cool and I was most excited to meet A. and pick her brains about marathons since she has done 6 or so.

But no. Here I am - sitting in front of a hotel wallowing and wondering about the what ifs and the what could have beens.

I felt better instantly when the team said it was OK for me to drop out and that they'd deal with my legs. It was like this stress had been lifted off my chest. I felt relief and instantly all my bad feelings went away.

There will be other races, other Ragnars and other opportunities to meet new people.

Like running, maybe this becoming social thing is a process. I can't just throw myself into a new situation and expect myself to be a social butterfly and liked by all.

And at the end of the day making it to the starting like of the Chicago Marathon is what is the most important thing to me. That's what the 2013 running season had always been about and will be about.

Tomorrow I will sleep in, maybe take a walk around the lake by my house and get my ITB looked at. I better get on top of it now and take care of it sooner rather than later.

And hey there is always next year and maybe i will be ready for Ragnar. This just wasn't the right time.

To my team - you ladies are awesome! Thank you team captain J. for your generosity and to team captain R. for organizing this. And to S. - thank you for your kind words and hearing me out. I hope we run again soon.

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